It’s been a different type of year for me, not any better or worse than what I have dealt with in the past, simply different. I have a career that I enjoy, family and friends that I love, and things that I have accumulated along the way. With all of this, I still have difficulties intertwined amidst reservations about the direction and interactions in my life. Yet at my current age and ability I would have concluded that I should be further along in life than I am: all my struggle would have ceased due to my current state and a time of enjoyment would have begun. Still, there is something that I have to give much thought—questions and conditions concerning faith and what it is exactly that I believe.

Questions of belief and how to navigate the everyday assaults wage war in my mind to distract me from a sense of who I am destined to become. I fight hard to confirm those things that have been settled by my Savior Jesus Christ when I asked Him to be the Lord of my life. After all, He died on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins; peace in every circumstance; and healing of my body. He rose from the dead so that I might live in freedom in this life and have victory over death; and He has supplied everything that I would need in this world. Thus far, the questions of how to enter into a needed relationship, what areas do I need to trust more, and what is it that He is wanting me to experience alludes me.

These questions came about as an encounter of a distinct thought as I sat in traffic on my way home from work. It was also on a day when I needed it the most. Without any prior reasoning or interaction, the words, “If you believe in Me, you have to believe it all,” struck my conscience. In that instant I tried to detect where that thought had come from. Had my current condition with life’s processes prompted me to ponder the world’s most sought-after charge? Perhaps. Or maybe it was one of those days that I was being inundated with the happenings of my surrounding compounded by the fact that I was now awaiting my next moves, bumper-to-bumper, in traffic trying to make my way home. But it was something more. Like trying to make my next move in traffic, the Lord was asking me to make the next move and change course into a deeper life with Him; get out of a stuck pattern and follow His leading.

As I sat incapacitated on all sides by the sights and sounds of others trying to do exactly what I was trying to do—get home—my meditation returned to those core beliefs that I held as a part of my religious experience until now: haven’t I confessed and expressed the realities of my Savior many times and in many ways throughout my brief existence? What then was missing in my walk toward a relationship with the Heavenly Father and what was this all that was expressed to me? What did it mean to the Creator versus what it looked like to me in humanity to believe it all? No wonder the Holy Spirit drew me away from my fleshly disposition and posed a spiritual question that needed to be addressed.

It is not unforeseen of me to sit in reminiscent silence dissecting my work, my ability to provide financially, my health, guilt, and shame over the past. However, the thought that I had entertained was so gentle and clear that it was unmistakable. Even amid my wondering, I knew nearly instantaneously that the thought had not come from me. I would not have chosen to think such a thing. It was the Lord that had spoken to my heart.

I was not sure why or exactly what was expected of me now. What was the Lord trying to convey? As I arrived home that evening the question lingered. How was I to respond to such a directive? Could I even come to a place where I believe it all? In retrospect I am deserving of the statement offered by my Lord as in years past I have asked of Him to fulfill a relationship that would propel me from a stagnant observer to a faithful overcomer. Then I would experience the freedom needed to be used most befitting His purpose and plan.

Journal excerpt July 22, 2014:

Father,

I want to cultivate a relationship with You that would surpass all that I imagine or think. I know Your word that You give abundantly, exceedingly more than I can think or imagine. Fill me with You.

Who is this Lord that I’ve come to know? He is…

Wherever I go, You are with me. Wherever You send me, You go before me.

Yes, I warranted the statement posed to me that day not only from how I have lived, but also the cry from my heart to be filled with something more. At the time those expressive words were penned in my journal, I could not resolve the magnitude of the statement because I only know the surface of what Jesus has done or is doing in my life. If Jesus only came to die for my sins—which He certainly came to save me—then the journey would end there. I would confess those wrongs that I have committed to a just Lord and I would be free of eternal judgement. But again, there is much more. The forgiveness of sins is just the beginning.

Because of my insufficiency or lack, the proclamation came with a challenged—an invitation to go beyond my understanding of what I hold to be true and discover those things that have not yet been fulfilled. A challenge that if accepted will take me into the depth of hurt, repentance, freedom, and ultimate healing; a challenge to transform my thinking and live out what has truly been placed in me from the heart of the Creator. What I already recognize about this challenge is that to be met, it will be on His terms and in His timing. If it is not fully and completely dedicated to it will leave me wondering if this is all there is—delaying the inevitable by the passing of time without a greater purpose. And the challenge has already begun.

The challenge has been left in a mandate to be forever changed. That change will exist by how well I cultivate my relationship with Jesus. It must start there. I must start at that beginning…

The golden, red, and orange leaves glistened as the sun peaked through the treetops. Calm filled my being as I drove the winding asphalt known as Airport Road. An overwhelming sense that I would not return on the same road I had driven over the past years clung to my conscious like I now clung to the steering wheel of my parent’s Honda CRV. It had been months of racing on this stretch of highway that found my destination to be schooling at a college or work for an auto parts store, but not today. Today was different. Today I was drawn to the prospect an ending and of not knowing what was going to take place next. I could only surmise in some way change was coming to me—in many ways I still don’t know what that change will bring.  

For reasons unbeknownst—whether to enhance the atmosphere or change it—I diverted my attention to fumbling through a selection of compact discs that were within the vehicle. Despite my efforts, I found that picking the perfect sound to match my inner emotion was nearly impossible. What seemed like only seconds of searching for a song must have, in actuality, been far longer as a quick glance of my rearview mirror revealed a string of impatient motorist ready to move past this creeping vessel. Not having a plan of what was to come nor anywhere to be, I engaged the vehicle down an unfamiliar country road. Coming to a stop in a clearing surrounded by the magnificent glory of the fall canopy, I exited the vehicle to the splendor and beauty of the vivid colors and sunshine that now encompassed me. I was at ease in the moment, letting my mind and body relax as I allowed my senses the freedom to explore the sights, sounds, and smell of the uninhabited land. 

However, it was not long after my arrival that my panoramic view of nature was obscured by other excursionists. Whereupon bringing the black four door pickup to a stop, four such traveler abounded. Of those that had departed the automobile, three ran to frolic on the distant hillside, leaving one to make his way in my direction.  

He was a young man about my age and build—which is tall and skinny—with blonde hair and wearing a red athletic suit. Without saying a word, he delivered something to the inside of my vehicle. Upon his withdrawal he exclaimed, “I’ve given you gifts.” At once I looked to the front cabin to validate the claim only to discover several tiny boxes that could be considered presents. I could not see into the container to behold what was given. Yet my internal instinct was to question such a generous action.  

Again, the man reached inside my automobile to deliver another mysterious object. “I’ve given you a new wineskin,” he pronounced. I quickly went to research the statement made by this incomer. To my amazement on the center console was a horn shaped leather pouch.  

The peculiarity of the situation was interrupted when the stranger asked, “How did you get on this road?” 

“I pulled on this road to get organized,” I answered slightly surprised by my own acknowledgement.   

Without any other words between us, I shook the man’s hand. 

*** 

Possible journal date sometime during the summer of 2016 

It’s been a different type of year for me; not any better or worse than what I have dealt with in the past, simply different. I have a career that I enjoy, a family that I love, and things that I have accumulated along the way. I have difficulties as many may understand. I have reservations about the direction and interactions in my life. Yet at my current age and ability I have concluded that I should be further along in the process than I am: all my struggle would have ceased due to my current state and status in society and a time of enjoyment would have begun. Even with all this, I have been given over to questions and conditions concerning faith—what it is exactly that I believe.  

A question wages war in my mind and distracts me from a sense of who I am destined to become: why do I fight so hard against those things that have been settled by my Savior Jesus Christ when I asked Him to be the Lord of my life? After all He died on the cross for the forgiveness of my sins and healing of my body; He rose from the dead so that I might live in freedom in this life and have victory over death; He has supplied everything that I would need materially in this world. Still I have been challenged—a challenge that will take me beyond myself to test what I already know is true and those things that I have not yet discovered; a challenge that if accepted will take me into the depth of hurt, repentance, freedom, and ultimate healing; a challenge to transform my thinking and live out what has truly been placed in heart by the Creator. What I already recognize about this challenge is that to be met, it will be on His terms and in His timing. If it is not fully and completely dedicated to will leave me wondering if this is all there is—delaying the inevitable by the passing of time without a greater purpose. And the challenge has already begun. 

The whole account came about with an encounter of a distinct thought as I sat in traffic on my way home from work. It also came about on a day when I needed it the most. Without any prior reasoning or interaction, the words, “If you believe in Me, you have to believe it all.” In that instant I tried to detect where that thought had come from. Had my current condition with life’s processes prompted me to ponder the world’s most sought-after question? Maybe it was one of those days that I was being inundated with the happenings of my surrounding compounded by the fact that I was now awaiting my next moves bumper-to-bumper in traffic trying to make my way home.  

Often, I have sat in reminiscent silence dissecting my work, my ability to provide financially, my health, guilt and shame over the past. However, the thought that I had entertained was so gentle and clear that it was unmistakable. Even amid my wondering, I knew instantly that the thought had not come from me. I would not have chosen to think such a thing. It was the Lord that had spoken to my heart. As I sat incapacitated on all sides by the sights and sounds of others trying to do exactly what I was trying to do—get home—my meditation returned to those core beliefs that I held as a part of my religious experience until now; haven’t I confessed and expressed the realities of my Savior many times and in many ways throughout my brief existence? What then was missing in my walk toward a relationship with the Heavenly Father and what was this all that was expressed to me? What did it mean to the Creator versus what it looked like to me in humanity? No wonder the Holy Spirit drew me away from my fleshly disposition and posed a spiritual question that needed to be addressed. 

I was not sure why or exactly what was expected of me now. What was the Lord trying to convey? As I arrived home that evening the question lingered. How was I to respond to such a directive? Could I even come to a place where I believe it all? In retrospect I am deserving of the statement offered by my Lord.  

In years past I have asked of Him to fulfill a relationship that would propel me from a stagnant observer to a faithful overcomer. Then I would experience the freedom needed to be used most befitting.  

Journal excerpt July 22, 2014. 

Father, 

 I want to cultivate a relationship with You that would surpass all that I imagine or think. I know Your word that You give abundantly, exceedingly more than I can think or imagine. Fill me with You. 

Who is this Lord that I’ve come to know? He is… 

Wherever I go, You are with me. Wherever You send me, You go before me.  

I warranted the response given, not only from how I have lived, but also the cry from my heart to be filled with something more. At the time those expressive words were penned in my journal, I could not resolve the magnitude of the statement because I only know the surface of what Jesus has done or is doing in my life. If Jesus only came to die for my sins—which He certainly came to save me—then the journey would end there. I would confess those wrongs that I have committed to a just Lord and I would be free of eternal judgement. But there is much more. The forgiveness of sins is just the beginning. The challenge has been left in a mandate to be forever changed. That change will exist by how well I cultivate my relationship with Jesus. It must start there. I must start at that beginning…

It’s just after two in the morning and as on many occasions after working a stretch of shifts, I am fully awake with my mind unable to rest. As I readjust and try to regain some form of comfort, I find that I am drawn away to thoughts that will range from a time when I was a youth to the present—many times my thoughts will go to things that I should or need to be doing. Yet it is in these early hour restless moments that ideas and conversation form between my current state and that which I am gleaning from my Heavenly Father.
Letters to the Father was born from moments just like that—a collection of thoughts, questions, struggles, successes, and failures that I have accumulated over the years regarding my navigation of life and being a believer in Jesus Christ. It hasn’t nor will it be an easy task to comprehend His working or plan in my life. All that I know is that I want to believe and do His will. So now let the journey begin…
The written word is something given me as enjoyment and an avenue of freedom. Through it, stories are told; imaginations come alive; ideas and imprints take shape. The elements of writing seem constant as they consist of a beginning, a middle, and an ending: conflicts arise leading to a climax, and an ultimate resolution for better or worse (such is life). Whether the mundane or extraordinary was taking place, I could capture it in words and catalog it for future providence.
For me, my journey began with journaling from a money ledger that I used as a teenager to keep track of accounts from area lawns that I mowed or odd jobs that I performed during the summer months. The money portions transformed as I often found myself writing poems, happenings of life to an adolescent, or thoughts expressed to my Creator. Some of my writing experienced in these times makes me question what I was thinking to have even put those words to paper; while many other I wonder where the insight came from. Many of the entries are basic; some offer a good laugh while others are tearfully recounted.
Growing up the youngest of four children, I was outgoing but never boisterous in my dealings with others. I was more of a dreamer and liked to spend time thinking of the possibilities for the future. I grew up with Christian background but didn’t give much thought to the prospect of eternity. I wanted to think of grandeur of life—fame and fortune—and how to obtain it (thus the money ledger).
What I haven’t told of yet is my Christian background. I come from a family that has had Christian warriors on both sides. My grandmothers were instrumental in the influence of not only my parents but myself. Both were very different but had grown in their resolve to follow Jesus through life’s rearing and circumstances. They were very genuine in their love for the Lord. While one would express her love more through song and music, the other could preach from the Word. For a time, my immediate family seemed to be heavily involved in church. I don’t recall when it happened, but before I was too far along in my childhood schooling, we had ceased attending. At times we ventured to area churches, but nothing lasting. I would attend on occasion with my grandmothers as time was spent with them. Even then my understanding of the institution was flawed.
There were so many aspects that I was not aware of: it was not that I first loved Him, but He loved me: He came to seek and save the lost. I can recall periods of wanting to do those things that were not beneficial to who I really am or who I was to become. During those activities I would get the feeling of such discomfort that I would have to abandon the exploit altogether. I didn’t understand then what I am positive of now: “I myself will search for my sheep and look after them. As a shepherd looks after his scattered flock when he is with them, so will I look after my sheep. I will rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on a day of clouds and darkness (Ezekiel 34-11:12).”

Here is an excerpt from an early journal entry as a teenager:

Unaware

You know where I’m at
You see what I do
You look inside of me
At a heart that is untrue
I look to the world
I look for a word
I yell at the top of my voice
For a chance I will be heard
If not for a prayer
Where would I be
I was oblivious to the fact
That You were waiting on me
You knocked at the door
I fell at Your feet
We talk to each other
Unaware of a time
When we will meet
I have settled down
And yet since grown
I move everyday
Toward a life on my own
I will remember the aspects of my life
I will remember the struggles
They will not be forgot
I will remember Your promises
To the questions
I so often sought

I penned these words shortly after accepting the gift of salvation: knowing that every line holds a significant meaning and portion of coming to the realization that God has been merging His path with my own. He knew exactly where I was in life and the struggles that were contending for my attention. His promises have been from the beginning and will endure to the end.